Online Dating

Most of you know that I am single. There are some days that I kind of enjoy being single. I like the fact that I can eat cereal for dinner. I love sleeping across my entire bed. I can flirt with whomever I want. (Confession, Internet, I don't flirt. Honestly, I am terrible at it. You should ask my friend Lenzi. She could tell you some hilarious stories about my inability to bat my eyelashes. Maybe I'll let her do a guest post one day.) Regardless, being single is not all it's cracked up to be, so there are times that I get the urge to date via ... wait for it ... the internet.

For those of you who went from the cradle to the altar, you may not understand online dating. There are basically three levels. Level one includes the free sites such as pof.com. This is for people who want to dip their toes in the online relationship world, but aren't ready to take it seriously. I like to call it online browsing. Level two is for those who are single and ready to mingle. If the free sites are like an over grown middle school, then Match.com is like freshmen year at college. Everyone is new and exciting and the world is full of possibility. Then things take a 90 degree turn toward serious. That's Level Three. People who are in need of a soul mate & will spend three hours answering a million questions in order to get one ... eHarmony anyone?

I have participated in all three levels, and I have to tell you how much disdain I have for all of them. I do not enjoy online dating. I hate writing a profile. I abhor reading random messages from skeevy guys. Yet somehow I continually find myself on these sites. It usually happens during a bout of insomnia & after watching something along the lines of The Wedding Planner or You've Got Mail. Even though I know better, I find myself thinking that maybe this time will be different. It's not.

The real reason I online date is for entertainment. I don't take it seriously. Maybe if I did, it would actually work. Online dating is my escape from reality. Some people follow the Kardashians; I follow my love life into the vortex of the world wide web. All of that to say, here are 10 ways to guarantee that you have no chance with me online. (Disclaimer: This is not a conclusive list, nor is it in any particular order.)

1. Send me a message that is less than 5 words long.

2. Don't use punctuation.

3. Don't capitalize your own name.

4. Use the wrong form of "your" in the following sentence: "Your so beautiful."

5. Make your profile pic one that you took of yourself. In a mirror. With your shirt off. For an added bonus, don't clean the mirror.

6. Be old enough to be my father.

7. Start your message with, "I've always had a thing for redheads."

8. Send me this message: "I need a book on how I can take you out ? do you have one of those miss Liberian" Yes, this is a real message that I have received.

9. List your employment as, "I'll explain later."

10. Only post photos of yourself with other girls.

Here's to hoping that I meet my husband the old fashioned way! Seriously. 

:j