Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Let's talk about being scared.

11 days ago I decided to send an email inquiry about a doctorate program.
A few hours later I received a reply stating that I could apply for a cohort beginning this summer.
3 days later I finished gathering up transcripts, references, and writing samples.
4 days ago I got a call stating that I had made it through the preliminary round.
Yesterday I got an e-mail saying that I had been accepted into the program.
Tomorrow I begin classes.
I was told this was the fastest anyone had ever been admitted and enrolled.

I've been wanting to get my doctorate since I graduated from my master's program, but like I mentioned in THIS POST, I have a hard time with big decisions at this stage in life. Then one day, I was talking to someone at work about getting my doctorate, so I decided to look up the program, and suddenly doors were flying open and I was on the fast track to grad school. I firmly believe that the Lord has had a big hand in this.  Usually it takes weeks to apply, get accepted, and enrolled, so this is definitely out of the ordinary.

Here's the thing though, Internet. I'm a little scared. I told my friend that it was one of the first times in life when I really felt like I could fail at something. This isn't just Geography 101 or reflections over chapter 2. This is a dissertation and case studies and talking to people in higher places than I'm used to. I don't know what to expect, and that scares me. Everyone around me keeps telling me that I'll do great. I want to believe them, but sometimes the little voices inside are a bit louder.

I know I'm not alone in these feelings. It's that moment before trying anything new whether it be walking into a new church, getting a new job, or even hanging out with a new group of friends that brings a whole slew of emotions - excitement and fear mixed with hope and worries. We have all been there.

I'm reminded of 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." A lot of times when I read this verse, I focus on the first part, "Cast all your anxieties on Him." And I tend to I ignore the second part of the verse, "because He cares for you." I forget that He cares. He cares about my anxiety. It matters to Him. I matter to Him. I'm not casting my cares into the great abyss. I'm casting them to someone who has my best interest at heart. He catches what I cast off and is more than able to take care of it. I cast my anxieties BECAUSE He cares for me. If He didn't care, I wouldn't be placing my fear in his hands. I wouldn't be able to trust Him.

So even though I'm scared about this whole doctorate thing and even though I have no clue where this is going to lead, I rest assured that the Lord cares for me and is taking care of my anxiety.

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