Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My New Favorite Blog

I have a new favorite blog (as if the title of this post doesn't give that away). It's for guys who want to know how to be "manly and awesome in a decidely unmanly and unawesome world." Or, for girls who like to laugh a lot. Seriously, this guy is crazy, and I love it. Here are some of my favorite quotes and tips.

What are some practical things you do to resist temptation?
I stay out of situations where I know I'll be tempted. For instance, every time I leave a monster truck rally and pull up to a red light, I'm very tempted to try and drive my car over the folks in front of me. So, it's best if I don't go to monster truck rallies. If you win the battle before the temptation starts, you don't have to fight the temptation itself. Sadly, I don't always take my own advice, because the Little Debbie Cake aisle at the grocery store beckons to me like the famed Sirens of Greek Mythology. I get sent to the store for milk and bread, and come back with neither, but with several boxes of Fudge Rounds. My wife complains, but I can't hear her because I am up to my ears in chocolate deliciousness. So what the junk do I know about temptation? Still, I do think it is wise to be pro-active about it. If you know you are weak in certain areas, avoid situations where your weakness will be a problem.

His take on crocs (the shoes, not the animal)
I'm sure that these crocs must be really comfortable, as there are tons 8th grade girls walking around in them in middle schools across America. That should be your first warning right there...no man should have anything to do with 8th grade girl fashion.
Regarding the shoes themselves, crocs are made of rubber. Men should not wear anything on their feet that is not made of leather, blue suede, have cleats on them, or are steel toed. Maybe the occasional flip flop if you don't have hairy gorilla feet and you don't anticipate having to do roundhouse kicks that day (the shoes keep flying off, believe me, I've tried). Suppose you are taking a relaxing stroll in your crocs on your way back from instructing your lion taming class down at the local YMCA. Suddenly you come upon a burning building, and an old woman crying for help. Can you go rescue her? No, your crocs would melt to your skin, and you both would die.

Superheros (Girls vs. Real Men)
Spiderman - Girl. He spent the first two movies plagued with doubt about his great gift and his great responsibility, not to mention that he is so sad that Mary Jane isn't with him.
Chuck Norris - Awesome. There is absolutely no trace of girlitude in Chuck Norris. One time he thought he might have some sort of emotional issue to deal with, but fortunately for us he roundhouse kicked himself until he was normal.
Jack Bauer - Awesome. No super powers, but who cares...on any given episode of 24, Jack Bauer does more awesome stuff than most men will ever do in their entire lives.
Wolverine - Awesome. Wolverine is the baddest of all the Xmen. There are some who might be tempted to call him girly...after all, he did cry in Xmen 3 before killing the woman he loved. But, a girly man would not be able to grow those sweet sideburns.

Advice for Single Girls
If I was single and a girl walked up, introduced herself, and pulled honey bbq sauce out of her purse, I would marry her on the spot, no questions asked.
Many churches have a deliberate time of greeting early on in the service, which would be the perfect time for you to introduce yourself. While the man is there to worship and is trying to focus on the Lord, he is guaranteed to notice if an attractive lady tries to talk to him. It's not like our radar shuts off just because we're in a sanctuary. Of course I'm not an advocate of going to church with ulterior motives, but if your goal is to wind up with a man in front of a minister swapping vows anyway, church is a good place to start. Hot sauce is optional here, as the use of condiments during communion is generally frowned upon.

Apparently, I don't carry enough honey BBQ sauce with me. I guess I'll have to run by Hy-Vee tonight. :)

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