In All Honesty...

I've been thinking about this post for sometime now, but I always pretend like I have no need to write it. I tell myself that no one cares about my personal struggles. I tell myself that I am the only one who deals with the issues I deal with. I thought about arguing with God about this a little while longer, but then I remembered something I read in a book over the summer.

We cover up the ugly stuff to protect ourselves. But when we do, we send the message to those who are hurting, who are broken, who are truly weary and heavy laden, that they are not welcome in our churches and our lives. That includes Christians and non-Christians alike. It's time to unveil.

This quote is difficult for me to read. I prefer to tell people that my life is "just fine" instead of being real. So I'm here to confess to you that my life is not perfect. (I know, you're gasping in shock right now.) I'm reminded of the third verse of the song "Come Thou Fount."

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

Let they goodness like a fetter

Bind thy wandering heart to thee

Prone to wander, Lord I fear it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above

Specifically the line that says "prone to wander, Lord I fear it." If you didn't know, my blog title is Confessions of Jenny. I chose this because I wanted to be real here. I didn't want to put on a face, but in true Jenny fashion, I have. When I write here, I make my life sound much more glamourous than it is. This probably won't stop, but I want you to know, Internet, that my bottom line confession is not that I've been lost, it's that I keep being found. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to look past it all, and go straight into my messy heart, and love me just because He wants to love me. Because that is who He is.

My current struggles include my weight and singleness. The irony is that both of these are things that you just have to look at me to know I deal with them. It's not like I can hide them...especially the weight one...but I still try.

I'm like a small child playing peek-a-boo. She thinks that she truly can't be seen just because she is covering her face. I also know I'm not the only girl who doesn't like what she sees in the mirror. We are all sisters in our insecurities. Today I came to the realization that I can't do this on my own. The reason I'm writing this is to help keep me accountable. I believe we are meant to live in community. We are meant to make each other better.

I'm going to try to blog my way through these struggles. The single thing is really day in and day out. Sometimes I love not being attached to anyone. Sometimes I hate it. God has a plan, and I trust in Him. As for the weight thing, my first goal is going to be to work out 5x a week for all of March. I'm not going to worry about food. I'm not going to worry about numbers. I'm only concerned about working out.

I'm not going to lie; I don't want to post this. It's very difficult for me to be transparent, but if one of you read this and see yourself in it, then it's totally worth it.

:), Jenny